Knowing The Signs Of Dating Violence

A survey of 500 young women found that 60% of those aged 15 to 24 were involved in an ongoing abusive relationship. Dating violence experts say the main problem is that many victims fail to see the slow escalation and feel overly nostalgic about "the good times," often internalizing guilt, being manipulated into staying or expecting their partners to "change." Having a verbally abusive partner is one of the first predictors of those who use physical violence to control (NVAW Survey, July 2000).

Perhaps you're a concerned parent who suspects your teen may be a victim of dating violence. Generally, parents have a sense about abusive characters as soon as they come around, so be vigilant about your instincts.

If the teenager avoids coming around your house, tries to isolate your daughter from her friends, avoids eye contact or doesn't appear friendly at all, then you have reason to be suspicious. Watch for signs of physical injury with stories that don't match up with the marks. If your daughter skips school, suffers failing grades, begins using alcohol or drugs and begins acting differently, then she may be a victim of abuse.

Emotional outbursts can signal emotional dependency, as the abused wishes to spend every waking moment with their abuser. As a parent, you do not need to confront your teen alone. Seeking an intervention through one of the hotlines may be your best recourse.

In case you haven't figured it out by now, dating violence perpetrators tell lies aimed at manipulating and controlling their partner. In most cases, the perpetrators even lie to themselves. Learning to recognize their tactics and techniques for controlling you can help you deal with the situation and move on.

For example, if he claims that you "just don't understand him," or argues that you "just push his buttons," then these are statements that blame, in hopes that you'll stay with him out of guilt.

If he tells you he "had a bad childhood," "just gets angry when he drinks or uses drugs," "has anger management problems" or "has a lot of stress right now," then these are excuses, evidence of self-denial and attempts to trick you into feeling sympathetic, even though his behaviors are completely controllable. He may try to say that yelling or smashing things is "his release," but these abusive behaviors just aren't normal.

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